As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in  Houma. 

 As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late, and saw that the funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. 
   
The only people left were the diggers and crew, and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played as I've never played before for this homeless man. 
 
As I played  'Amazing Grace
' the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full. 

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say in his folksy way, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...

The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.  

After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.  

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them... 

She decked him!


He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'

'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'